Wednesday, July 11, 2012


Singularity: That single moment in time when you make the decision that will change your life, 

She woke up slowly, fighting it. Her eyes  closed to keep things as dark as possible  trying valiantly to hold on to the last vestiges of her dream; but the last moments were slipping away, the images  disappearing like the closing tides slipping from the sand,  the last of the water leaving the beach, rejoining the ocean and the waves. She was awake, but still kept her eyes closed against the new day, begging God to stay in the dream. But, the day came, it had no choice but to happen, and so she opened hers eyes to reality so it could begin.

The dream receded, and the darkness closed in. The great sadness returned. Her muscles awoke as if each one had an individual mind of its own, little aches and pains assuaged her.
She looked around the room, looking for a small bit of comfort, of peace but the only relief was in her dreams.
In her dream she could be free of the sadness, she could be in a time where nothing and not anyone hurt her.
She wished again for sleep and dreaming, but the day indeed, the world called her. 

She The doctor called it depression, her husband called it laziness, and her saw them cast, what they thought were unnoticed, backward glances at her, wondering what to do, helplessly just going about their business. 
She stared listlessly at the counter, her brain told her to move but her body wouldn’t let her.  It told her to speak, to say she loved them, but her mouth was silent. It took to much energy.
She just wanted to escape back into the bedroom, into the dream again where she was happy.
Not here in this world, that she no longer understood or felt she belonged. 
It was a bleak existence. 
She looked up and the kids had left, she thought she had felt them give her a kiss but it didn’t register. She crept into the bedroom, to climb back in bed but someone had opened the curtains. Hoping the bright sunlight of the day would make a difference, it didn’t. She shuddered and quickly closed the curtains and climbed into her bed pulling the covers over her head. 
She lay waiting for sleep to come, to release her from the sadness and carry her off into another world of dreams.
Hard as she tried though, a little tiny beam of light kept pecking through the covers.
Peeking her head out, she didn’t see as much as she felt the light. Finally she put her head out of the blanket fully and saw a book illuminated on the table across the room.
Curious she got up and walked over to the table.
She looked down and was confronted with a book she had not looked at in a very long time. 
Her Bible.
Although she didn’t actually see a light, she felt it illuminating the book and the words “Holy Bible”

She sat in the chair and simply looked at the book. Not touching or seeing it. 
But, she didn’t want to touch the book.
She pushed the table away and stared longing at the bed. Wasn’t it easier to just sleep? Not to face the world? She had been saving pills for this occasion, the time when nothing matter anymore. She was here. She reached under her mattress and pulled out the pills and opened the bottle set it carefully on the table next to her, she got up and got a glass of water setting it carefully next to the pill bottle she sat on the edge of the chair, hands in her lamp starting listlessly into nothing..
She sat there for what seemed like forever.. It was much easier to just sleep. Let the sadness take over her: hide from the world. Maybe it would be easier just to sleep forever. She rested her head on the back of the chair contemplating never having to wake up.  She glanced toward the book, in the recesses of her mind she knows she is about to make a choice: to live or to sleep? To get rid of the sadness or…..

She didn't want to touch the book, but deep inside of her she knew it meant hope, somehow. She had long ago given up on hope.
But Still,...Something had to be worth it!
She picked up the book. She read and read, her hunger for the world returning.
Perhaps there is something to fight for. 
The children came home at three. There, sitting on the sofa was their mother, reading a book.
Her hair was combed and she was dressed then, suddenly the house that had been dark for so long was light, as she looked up at them, the darkness fled. A choice has been made. A new Start, and for the first time in months:She met their eyes and smiled.
I think, she said in a calm voice, I am ready to see a doctor.

What is depression?

We all go through ups and downs in our mood. Sadness is a normal reaction to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but clinical depression is much more than just sadness.
Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don't feel sad at all — instead, they feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic.
Whatever the symptoms, depression is different from normal sadness in that it engulfs your day-to-day life, interfering with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and have fun. The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness are intense and unrelenting, with little, if any, relief.
  • Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
  • Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex.
  • Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
  • Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
  • Psychomotor agitation or retardation. Either feeling “keyed up” and restless or sluggish and physically slowed down.
  • Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or take longer.
  • Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.
  • Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.


FALSE: People who talk about suicide won't really do it. 
Almost everyone who commits or attempts suicide has given some clue or warning. Do not ignore suicide threats. Statements like "you'll be sorry when I'm dead," "I can't see any way out," -- no matter how casually or jokingly said may indicate serious suicidal feelings.
FALSE: Anyone who tries to kill him/herself must be crazy. 
Most suicidal people are not psychotic or insane. They must be upset, grief-stricken, depressed or despairing, but extreme distress and emotional pain are not necessarily signs of mental illness.
FALSE: If a person is determined to kill him/herself, nothing is going to stop him/her. 
Even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death, wavering until the very last moment between wanting to live and wanting to die. Most suicidal people do not want death; they want the pain to stop. The impulse to end it all, however overpowering, does not last forever.
FALSE: People who commit suicide are people who were unwilling to seek help 
Studies of suicide victims have shown that more then half had sought medical help within six month before their deaths.
FALSE: Talking about suicide may give someone the idea. 
You don't give a suicidal person morbid ideas by talking about suicide. The opposite is true --bringing up the subject of suicide and discussing it openly is one of the most helpful things you can do.

No one really wants to die: They just want the pain to stop

Can I help?

The World Health Organization estimates that approximately 1 million people die each year from suicide. What drives so many individuals to take their own lives? To those not in the grips of suicidal depression and despair, it's difficult to understand. But a suicidal person is in so much pain that he or she can see no other option.
Suicide is a desperate attempt to escape suffering that has become unbearable. Blinded by feelings of self-loathing, hopelessness, and isolation, a suicidal person can't see any way of finding relief except through death. But despite their desire for the pain to stop, most suicidal people are deeply conflicted about ending their own lives. They wish there was an alternative to committing suicide, but they just can't see one.
Because of their ambivalence about dying, suicidal individuals usually give warning signs or signals of their intentions. The best way to prevent suicide is to know and watch for these warning signs and to get involved if you spot them. If you believe that a friend or family member is suicidal, you can play a role in suicide prevention by pointing out the alternatives, showing that you care, and getting a doctor or psychologist involved.
Suicide hotlines to call for help:
If you or someone you care about is suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at             1-800-273-TALK       (8255) or the National Hopeline Networkat             1-800-SUICIDE       (            1-800-784-2433      ).
These toll-free crisis hotlines offer 24-hour suicide prevention and support. Your call is free and confidential.
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