Thursday, February 5, 2009

of Choices, Disasters and Love

I love disaster movies. Hurricanes, Tornado's, Earthquakes, Bugs, you name it I watch them. I once spent a whole weekend watching Sci Fi  channel's disaster special. It had the attack of every bug you could think of, and then some. 
If you watch as many as I have you begin to realize how predictable they are. There is always the person (the star usually) who discovers the problem and tries to warn the president or someone that the problem is coming. 
The big guy of course doesn't want to spend the money or panic the world so he denies it and goes on. Then there is the guy or gal who believes in the good guy because they are in love, usually married separated or dating and separated, because the whole idea of the movie is for them to realize they are really in love and need to reunite. they always survive. You know that from the beginning, else how would they get back together. Oh yes, one has to save the other. Then of course there is the great great great aunt, cousin old friend or mother in law who stays in her home because its her home, dag nab it! and I ain't leavin.
Got the picture. OK open movie guide, insert title and there you have it! Your plot, your characters, just name your disaster. 
Isn't it to bad life isn't like that? I remember my grandmother  telling me one day, 
"Honey, the one that misses you is not the one to worry about,"  How true.
Life is full of choices. I have made many good, many more bad.But don't we all?
It would seem our minus usually outweigh our pluses, but if we look closely enough sometime good comes out of the minus', if only that we learned a hard lesson. 
My very first truly serious boyfriend was after I returned to California after college. He gave me a ticket on my way to work. Yes, he was a cop, uh er, police officer.
The next day, he stopped me because my rear tire was low. OK.
The third day he  stopped me because he didn't see my sticker, oops there it was.
The fourth day, I asked him why he was harassing me, and he said:
"Don't you know?' 
"Nope, can't imagine."
"Because we are going to get married."
"okay, well if that's the case I should probably know your name don't you think?"
And so started for me, the first great romance of my life. It still effects me today.
It's funny when I think, I wasn't scared at all. Back then, Policeman were authority figures, and you just weren't afraid of them.
But even then it took ten more stops, 10 days for him to convince me he was serious. 
On the last day he just said:
"Enough of this, time we went out."
I asked him where, and what he would do if I didn't go out with him, and he said San Francisco was where and he would arrest me until I said yes. 
I went. 
And so began I know the greatest relationship of my life, but two weeks before we were going to get marrieds, He was killed in a car accident while on duty. 
Choices.  If I had made any other choice, it would have cost me 15 months that I would not have traded for anything. My friend wrote a blog on about Choices, which makes a interesting commentary some of the choices we make.
The second choice I made a few months later was simply and purely rebounding. I tried to get out of it several times then gave in. I should have listened to my bells and whistles. We were married for 25 years, no abuse, or anything, just... nothing. 
Well I can't say nothing, three beautiful children, and that's where the good comes in, for even with bad choices, something good happens. This relationship still haunts my life, I still look for him in everyone. This makes my online dating experience a little harder and does not make it easy for the gentleman I am talking to. I need to stop this. I need to make my choices based on reality not past. I need to take my lumps, not creat my own disaster movie.
As my mother and the whole world says: 
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 
And that, I believe is the story of all choices. 
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