September 7th How do you survive the loss of a child?

It started out as a normal day, As normal as the first day of school could be.

I feel I said a lot of no's that day. They resound in my head, and i have never been able to put them to rest.

We went shopping for new clothes on Sunday. The people from the church had given her lots of money, so new life, new clothes. She had just had surgery, it was successful so life was assured, right? It was supposed to be downhill from here.

She came out and showed me her new jeans and shirt.

Can I wear them? No, lets save them for church, they look too nice.

We were just hanging around the house, why get them dirty.

Can we have fried apples for dinner?

No Dinner is ready, we'll have them tomorrow.

There wasn't going to be a tomorrow or a church day. To this day I can't prepare fried apples, or eat them.

I buried her in her jeans.

How could I know?

The night before she had asked me, What happens when you die? And I told her: You simply wake up with Jesus.

Did she know something I didn't?

She died, in my arms, I felt the Angel take her, or maybe it was Jesus Himself. I felt her spirit go home.

Days go buy I still feel her in my arm and my spirit. I know she is with Jesus, but, it doesn't help because I am selfish. I want her here.

I would give so much to get my child back, those who willingly throw away their children baffle me.

You don't know God's plan, only He does. Love your child, hug him or her: don't count on tomorrow, Today may be all you have. That is for all of us.

How do you survive the loss of a child? one day at a time.

I still miss you Sharon. I can't wait to see you again.

Love

Mom

Three Little Girls

Childhood friends are pretty wonderful. I didn't have any, because I lived a pretty secluded life.

But my kids were lucky enough to have some great friends who have grown up to be wonderful adults. 

I twitter or FB some of these friends now and am really proud at how they have grown up. 

One of their friends, is on FB and is a late night friend for me, because she has a very active two year old she tells me about and I smile. 

I met Lori when she herself was two. Her brothers were climbing my cherry tree, I went over to speak to her mom because I had a two year old of my own sleeping in the bedroom that had a window next to the tree. 

It could have been ugly. It could have been nasty. But it was none of those things. Her mom was gracious, and horrified that the boys should disturb us that way. I felt so bad a few days later she was sitting in her front yard with Lori and I went over to apologize for snitching. And so began a 20 something friendship that went on over three states. 

We went through a lot, her mother always being the gracious one, me being a Christian who had to learn  to be gracious, why she put up with me I shall never know.

Our kids played together and Sharon and Lori became very best friends, for the most part. 

Lori was headstrong. But Sharon was head stronger. Lori was tough, but Sharon was tougher.

And Denise was peacemaker.We went to yardsales. We went shopping. We went to parks. Lori in her carseat, and Sharon and Denise in thier booster seats.  

Through it all they grew up more like sisters then friends. 

When they moved to Virginia, we all mourned, but two years later we followed and ended up right in the same town. 

Things changed When Sharon died, Lori remained in our lives and friends to the kids but things changed for all. 

The teen years hit, All the kids went through tough times some harder then others, but all came out on the other side stronger and the kind of kids you are proud of. 

Lori had the hardest time. I remember praying for her and her mom to survive the hard times. 

We drifted apart for a minute, but not far enough so we weren't in touch. We lived in a tiny town.

I remember a friend telling somethings and crying for both of them but unable to do anything but pray.

Teen years are hard for teens, anyway without extras getting involved. 

Two other friends of Denise's are on the board and friends of Eric's, we keep in touch, but the girls are special. 

It was a privilege to sit and watch their teen years. I was very involved in the the teen group at church and got to know them all . But mostly they were at our house a lot. 

Zandria's family would come over on Wednesday's and spend the afternoon, we alternated who cooked dinner. I stole a few of her mom's recipes, I don't know if any of mine were good enough to steal. :)

I prepare them to this very day.

Zandrias mom and i\I share a birthday, and her younger sister Angela and Sharon also shared a birthday. So we felt our families were irrevocably intertwined. and they were for years. 

Denise and Zandria remain close friends and I count this very versatile and energetic young lady in my group of friends as well. She is an anytime friend. And an amazing grownup, as she was a child.

Jeannie was special. As well. Being the oldest sister of a large family, she grew up with such special parents who knew what it was like to be in her place.  Jeannie learned her  wonderful self confidence and perserverence from her mom I am sure, her mom is a special lady and a strong Christian and apparently right on with the BB gun. 

When your kids friends are playing with your kids, you never think about what they will be when they grow up. All of these girls I felt were like my own children. I cried for them, kept them on my prayerlist for years and am so proud of what they have become and what they give tot he world. 

Children don't remain children, they grow up and become adults. 

Lori is my miracle child. She hs overcome the most and made me the proudest. 

She did it on her own and deserves to stand proud. Being headstrong is a good thing.

She had so many childhood friends die in their teen years, yet she went on. 

I think about what would have been different if Sharon had lived, then I realized that God had a plan for all the girls no matter what. He had His hand on them 

What a wonderful new generation He has raised.

In Memory of....A hard one to write

It's dreary and rainy in Charleston today. The temps according to my trusty Weather Bug (which keeps chirping at me) is an annoying 66 degrees. That of course means thunderstorms later this afternoon, making The day a little less dreary. Face it,  scary as they are, there is nothing dreary about a thunderstorm. 

Luckily Natasha has never been afraid of thunder and lightening. Tasha has never been afraid of anything. She has flown across the room, flying from bed to bed giving her mother and I symptoms of  a major heart attack, also scaling stairs like they were level when she was one. In one way I am proud of her, in another I keep expecting the broken legs and arms that come with such an adventurous child. How does one keep them safe?

When my baby died, it wasn't dark and dreary. It was bright and sunny. The day had been like any other. The doctors had said she was ready to go back to Normal after her surgery.

She had fought with her brother. Whispered secrets with her sister. I re

member most, she called her best friend Stephanie and they laughed about Stephanie's first day of school, new friends they would make and to meet at church on Wednesday. 

Then went into the girls bathroom to check on a tooth that was coming out, and as I walked her upstairs Promised her it would come out soon and the tooth fairy would be here.

She stopped, turned and looked at me and called me. Then fell in my arms. I knew she was gone.

I remember confusion from the other kids, calling 911. I couldn't get through, my son begging me to let him do it. "I can do it mom, really!" he kept pleading. I was too afraid he wouldn't know what to say. A guilt I still live with. The ambulance. The Hospital. Friends. The Pastor sitting there, when they told me what I already knew. My Sharon was gone. 

She has been on my mind so much lately, I don't know if it is proper to blog about this sort of 

thing. But I want to talk about how I felt and still do. I look at my Tasha and so desperately want to keep her safe from harm, but I can't.  And I know this. 

The Surgery was over, she was supposed to be better! Her life after spending 11 years of being sick was going to change. She was going to run and play with the other kids, she had never been able to before. We spent all day Sunday with her sister and her friend Stephanie shopping for Jeans for her because she was supposed to gain weight and be able to wear them now. She was 60 pounds at 11 years old. Life for her was just beginning. But it ended.

I am so Angry. Still I am angry.That this child was called home. I know God knows best. I know she is in a better place. By the way, when you are dealing with a grief stricken person NEVER say those things. they are not comforting when all you want is that person to be here in this place. We are a selfish people when it comes to our loved ones. All we can think of is, we will never hold this child, this man, this women again.

I still ache today to talk to her, to have her climb in my lap, to have her fight with her brother.

I'm the little  sister she would say, I am supposed to be annoying. Eric was not amused. 

I am about to lose my Tasha in a few months, although not in the same way. Her mother is returning to school and moving far away. Part of the starting over process for her was to be able to finish school and get a career. 

Although I feel my heart breaking, I must let go she must do what is best. 

But loss is not something easy to take. My heart still has a huge piece left out of it, one that will never be replaced until I go home.

In the year that followed Sharon's death, my mother and father died in different states from each other, one of cancer one was murdered. My brother died of a stroke and my other brothers two boys were killed in a gun fight in Rockford, Ill  city of death for kids. That was not a year to relive. Still I keep coming back to keeping them safe, where I started. 

I can't keep Tasha safe. I can't even keep her mom safe, although her mom is old enough to take care of herself. But the feeling we want of making sure our little ones never get hurt, never feel pain, never ever having to go anywhere with out us, How do we cope?

With God's help we cope.. Natasha has shut herself in her favorite cabinet under the sink. She is going to "work" she says. She just happens to "work" at Denny's where her mom works. She "shops" at Wal Mart where her Nanny works. All people who she trust to keep her safe.

No matter  what we will do our best. God already has plans and knows the future. Sharon was "safe" walking up the stairs. My Nephew's were watching television in there living room. So supposedly they were "safe" 

The world is a dangerous. It has always been. I remember scaring my grandmother as I used the porch railing for gymnastics. I remember climbing on the roof and jumping off at 10. My son, by the way did the same thing. We do our best. God must do the rest We supply the faith and prayers. 

The sun is making a temporary appearance, peeking out from behind a cloud like it is playing hide and seek.

I see squirrels, which means Natasha will be running after them soon. Poor squirrels, no peace at all. She is coming out of the cabinet and heading for the back door. I hear her laughter as she sees the squirrels. She calls me, "Mom" the squirrels, the squirrels! and runs out the door. But wait. Do I just hear one child's laughter? No I think in the balmy Charleston day, with the sun going back behind a cloud, for a minute I heard more then one child's laughter. I think I heard the laughter of the many  children who are now truly safe. With our Father. And mixed in with that laughter is Sharon's. Watching out for her niece, letting me know she is safe., and yes mom Now I can run and play with the other kids. 

I love you Sharon, Please be happy. I will see you soon.