Going on: Dealing with the death of a child

M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

[screaming]

M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!

[in a firm tone]

M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!

 M'lynn *Sally Field) Steel magnolias

My favorite speech from Steel Magnolias is the speech M' Lynn gives at her daughters funeral . Someone says to her, "she is in a better place" and M'Lynn goes off. She says what every single parent says who has lost a child: We do not care, we want out child here.Yes, we are selfish.


It's dreary and rainy in Charleston today. The temps according to my trusty Weather Bug (which keeps chirping at me) is an annoying 66 degrees. That of course means thunderstorms later this afternoon, making The day a little less dreary. Face it,  scary as they are, there is nothing dreary about a thunderstorm.

Luckily Natasha has never been afraid of thunder and lightening. Tasha has never been afraid of anything. She has flown across the room, flying from bed to bed giving her mother and I symptoms of  a major heart attack, also scaling stairs like they were level when she was one. In one way I am proud of her, in another I keep expecting the broken legs and arms that come with such an adventurous child. How does one keep them safe?

When my baby died, it wasn't dark and dreary. It was bright and sunny. The day had been like any other. The doctors had said she was ready to go back to Normal after her surgery.

She had fought with her brother. Whispered secrets with her sister. I re

member most, she called her best friend Stephanie and they laughed about Stephanie's first day of school, new friends they would make and to meet at church on Wednesday. 

Then went into the girls bathroom to check on a tooth that was coming out, and as I walked her upstairs Promised her it would come out soon and the tooth fairy would be here.

She stopped, turned and looked at me and called me. Then fell in my arms. I knew she was gone.

I remember confusion from the other kids, calling 911. I couldn't get through, my son begging me to let him do it. "I can do it mom, really!" he kept pleading. I was too afraid he wouldn't know what to say. A guilt I still live with. The ambulance. The Hospital. Friends. The Pastor sitting there, when they told me what I already knew. My Sharon was gone. 

She has been on my mind so much lately, I don't know if it is proper to blog about this sort of 

thing. But I want to talk about how I felt and still do. I look at my Tasha and so desperately want to keep her safe from harm, but I can't.  And I know this. 

The Surgery was over, she was supposed to be better! Her life after spending 11 years of being sick was going to change. She was going to run and play with the other kids, she had never been able to before. We spent all day Sunday with her sister and her friend Stephanie shopping for Jeans for her because she was supposed to gain weight and be able to wear them now. She was 60 pounds at 11 years old. Life for her was just beginning. But it ended.

I am so Angry. Still I am angry.That this child was called home. I know God knows best. I know she is in a better place. By the way, when you are dealing with a grief stricken person NEVER say those things. they are not comforting when all you want is that person to be here in this place. We are a selfish people when it comes to our loved ones. All we can think of is, we will never hold this child, this man, this women again.

I still ache today to talk to her, to have her climb in my lap, to have her fight with her brother.

I'm the little  sister she would say, I am supposed to be annoying. Eric was not amused. 

I am about to lose my Tasha in a few months, although not in the same way. Her mother is returning to school and moving far away. Part of the starting over process for her was to be able to finish school and get a career. 

Although I feel my heart breaking, I must let go she must do what is best. 

But loss is not something easy to take. My heart still has a huge piece left out of it, one that will never be replaced until I go home.

In the year that followed Sharon's death, my mother and father died in different states from each other, one of cancer one was murdered. My brother died of a stroke and my other brothers two boys were killed in a gun fight in Rockford, Ill  city of death for kids. That was not a year to relive. Still I keep coming back to keeping them safe, where I started. 

I can't keep Tasha safe. I can't even keep her mom safe, although her mom is old enough to take care of herself. But the feeling we want of making sure our little ones never get hurt, never feel pain, never ever having to go anywhere with out us, How do we cope?

With God's help we cope.. Natasha has shut herself in her favorite cabinet under the sink. She is going to "work" she says. She just happens to "work" at Denny's where her mom works. She "shops" at Wal Mart where her Nanny works. All people who she trust to keep her safe.

No matter  what we will do our best. God already has plans and knows the future. Sharon was "safe" walking up the stairs. My Nephew's were watching television in there living room. So supposedly they were "safe" 

The world is a dangerous. It has always been. I remember scaring my grandmother as I used the porch railing for gymnastics. I remember climbing on the roof and jumping off at 10. My son, by the way did the same thing. We do our best. God must do the rest We supply the faith and prayers. 

The sun is making a temporary appearance, peeking out from behind a cloud like it is playing hide and seek.

I see squirrels, which means Natasha will be running after them soon. Poor squirrels, no peace at all. She is coming out of the cabinet and heading for the back door. I hear her laughter as she sees the squirrels. She calls me, "Mom" the squirrels, the squirrels! and runs out the door. But wait. Do I just hear one child's laughter? No I think in the balmy Charleston day, with the sun going back behind a cloud, for a minute I heard more then one child's laughter. I think I heard the laughter of the many  children who are now truly safe. With our Father. And mixed in with that laughter is Sharon's. Watching out for her niece, letting me know she is safe., and yes mom Now I can run and play with the other kids. 

I love you Sharon, Please be happy. I will see you soon. 

repost from 2009

If Wishes were horses......

I woke up this morning to a very sunny day, the wonderful smell of fall in the air. for Charleston this means the swamp wafting gently through the air leaving an unbelievable stench. Charleston is a town about water, it is a fishing town, swamps, boating, cruise ships, anything and everything to do with watr is part of her livelihood.

My Sharon loved water. When she was alive I wish I had lived here instead of where we were.
We would drive miles to take her fishing, and swimming what she loved to do most. Its a sad thing to live directly on a lake now, knowing how she would have love it

Anyway, you can't go back you can only go forward. I find these things hard to enjoy because I know how much she would have. How does a mother murder her child? It pains me to think of going on every day without mine. s Some questions are only for God to Answer, but some how I think we we get to heaven I won't care. i w ill just see her and the rest of my famiy, mother, father, brothers, nephews, sisters, grandmother waiting for me.

When I picture this scene I see a  huge airport with people coming and going. Escalators are going to the bottom bottom floor, and others going to the top. My family waiting in a cluster with flowers and smiles, at the top of the up elevator is Jesus holding out his arms, because the Bible tells us out of the body into his presence so..as much as people write about Peter guarding the gate. it can't be true. The Bible tells us our first vision in heaven will be of Jesus.

Out of the body into the presence og God the Bible tells us. I take comfort knowing, I will see him first.

So I remember the months of August and September one year, they started out gloriously and ended with half my family gone, ending with my daughter. Although a cloud hangs over these months, a light shines as well.

So today, on the last day of these horrible months, the day my daughter died is like the end of my year and I star a new year of coping.

So life goes on..
I wish I had had time to say goodbye and I am sorry to my mother but God gave her the fortitude to tellmy aunt all is forgiven

I wish my dad had come home, but glad  God saw fit to have him call me from a bus in Detroit be  on the phone with him when he died. A broken relationship repaired

I wished my Grandmother had lived, but at 92 life was to much for her. Again I was at her bedside in when she went home. The women who took me out of dangerous living situation and gave the rest of her life to raise me and keep me safe.

I so wish my daughter was here . She was crying about a loose tooth and would she lose it in time for the tooth fairy to give her money...as we were going up the stairs..then she turned to me and cried "mom, my heart" and fell into my arms. while ther she went home I felt her spirit leave her body, and God allowed that in his wisdom so I would be able to cope. Because I knew she went home to him.

Sharons favorite poems was If Wishes were horses..
IF WISHES WERE HORSES

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if "ifs" and "ands"
Were pots and pans,
There'd be no work for tinkers!

So I am opening yet another online project a store called If Wishes Were Horses..

Because if they were, days like today would not happen.

Bless everyone who has lost a loved one, or is in mourning. We always say may God comfor you, buit there is no May..He does comfort you..May we accept His comfort..


Night, Sharon. Mommy loves you, I will see you very soon.

Beautiful Thinga Happen

Today is my youngest daughters birthday. It should be a happy dy, but it isn't. It isn't because we are celebrating her birthday here, she is celebrating with Jesus.

It took me a minute to remember God was in control, and although this is the worst thing to happen to me, being in heaven has to be the best thing for her.

Sheila Walsh's book put me in perspective about a lot of things, mostly how to remember to trust God.

Did you ever question God’s ability to catch you when you fail? Do Shame, fear and brokeness keep you from fully trusting God. Do you secretly believe your dreams are unreachable? You are not alone.

And so starts the Journey of Sheila Walsh, sharing how she battled her way from depression with faith and love for her Lord.

Sheila shares some very personal experiences of her life in Darkness and light, and how she overcame.

Then shows us through the teaching of Tabitha, David, Paul and others who teach us that in spite of overwhelming

circumstances just one trusting encounter with Christ puts beautiful things in motion. And as she does this she draws a parallel between her life and theirs. I have never personally compared my life to a Biblical character and myself, but the way she did it brought a new revelation in how the Bible affects us. So often we read it as a third person instead of God giving us examples of our own lives.

When I walked away with this new revelation, it gave me a much more personal and closer feeling to the Characters in the Bible.

The book itself is masterfully  written, with  personal insight and compassion. I could feel her pain and triumph.

I recommend this book highly to everyone who has ever suffered the darkness, whether you are going through it or are have come out, damaged. It is a reminder of the one who is in control.

It is the story of our lives, and how He has promised us we will overcome. Sheila shows us He is worthy of the trust we put in Him. He is definitely in control.

September 7th How do you survive the loss of a child?

It started out as a normal day, As normal as the first day of school could be.

I feel I said a lot of no's that day. They resound in my head, and i have never been able to put them to rest.

We went shopping for new clothes on Sunday. The people from the church had given her lots of money, so new life, new clothes. She had just had surgery, it was successful so life was assured, right? It was supposed to be downhill from here.

She came out and showed me her new jeans and shirt.

Can I wear them? No, lets save them for church, they look too nice.

We were just hanging around the house, why get them dirty.

Can we have fried apples for dinner?

No Dinner is ready, we'll have them tomorrow.

There wasn't going to be a tomorrow or a church day. To this day I can't prepare fried apples, or eat them.

I buried her in her jeans.

How could I know?

The night before she had asked me, What happens when you die? And I told her: You simply wake up with Jesus.

Did she know something I didn't?

She died, in my arms, I felt the Angel take her, or maybe it was Jesus Himself. I felt her spirit go home.

Days go buy I still feel her in my arm and my spirit. I know she is with Jesus, but, it doesn't help because I am selfish. I want her here.

I would give so much to get my child back, those who willingly throw away their children baffle me.

You don't know God's plan, only He does. Love your child, hug him or her: don't count on tomorrow, Today may be all you have. That is for all of us.

How do you survive the loss of a child? one day at a time.

I still miss you Sharon. I can't wait to see you again.

Love

Mom

In Memory of....A hard one to write

It's dreary and rainy in Charleston today. The temps according to my trusty Weather Bug (which keeps chirping at me) is an annoying 66 degrees. That of course means thunderstorms later this afternoon, making The day a little less dreary. Face it,  scary as they are, there is nothing dreary about a thunderstorm. 

Luckily Natasha has never been afraid of thunder and lightening. Tasha has never been afraid of anything. She has flown across the room, flying from bed to bed giving her mother and I symptoms of  a major heart attack, also scaling stairs like they were level when she was one. In one way I am proud of her, in another I keep expecting the broken legs and arms that come with such an adventurous child. How does one keep them safe?

When my baby died, it wasn't dark and dreary. It was bright and sunny. The day had been like any other. The doctors had said she was ready to go back to Normal after her surgery.

She had fought with her brother. Whispered secrets with her sister. I re

member most, she called her best friend Stephanie and they laughed about Stephanie's first day of school, new friends they would make and to meet at church on Wednesday. 

Then went into the girls bathroom to check on a tooth that was coming out, and as I walked her upstairs Promised her it would come out soon and the tooth fairy would be here.

She stopped, turned and looked at me and called me. Then fell in my arms. I knew she was gone.

I remember confusion from the other kids, calling 911. I couldn't get through, my son begging me to let him do it. "I can do it mom, really!" he kept pleading. I was too afraid he wouldn't know what to say. A guilt I still live with. The ambulance. The Hospital. Friends. The Pastor sitting there, when they told me what I already knew. My Sharon was gone. 

She has been on my mind so much lately, I don't know if it is proper to blog about this sort of 

thing. But I want to talk about how I felt and still do. I look at my Tasha and so desperately want to keep her safe from harm, but I can't.  And I know this. 

The Surgery was over, she was supposed to be better! Her life after spending 11 years of being sick was going to change. She was going to run and play with the other kids, she had never been able to before. We spent all day Sunday with her sister and her friend Stephanie shopping for Jeans for her because she was supposed to gain weight and be able to wear them now. She was 60 pounds at 11 years old. Life for her was just beginning. But it ended.

I am so Angry. Still I am angry.That this child was called home. I know God knows best. I know she is in a better place. By the way, when you are dealing with a grief stricken person NEVER say those things. they are not comforting when all you want is that person to be here in this place. We are a selfish people when it comes to our loved ones. All we can think of is, we will never hold this child, this man, this women again.

I still ache today to talk to her, to have her climb in my lap, to have her fight with her brother.

I'm the little  sister she would say, I am supposed to be annoying. Eric was not amused. 

I am about to lose my Tasha in a few months, although not in the same way. Her mother is returning to school and moving far away. Part of the starting over process for her was to be able to finish school and get a career. 

Although I feel my heart breaking, I must let go she must do what is best. 

But loss is not something easy to take. My heart still has a huge piece left out of it, one that will never be replaced until I go home.

In the year that followed Sharon's death, my mother and father died in different states from each other, one of cancer one was murdered. My brother died of a stroke and my other brothers two boys were killed in a gun fight in Rockford, Ill  city of death for kids. That was not a year to relive. Still I keep coming back to keeping them safe, where I started. 

I can't keep Tasha safe. I can't even keep her mom safe, although her mom is old enough to take care of herself. But the feeling we want of making sure our little ones never get hurt, never feel pain, never ever having to go anywhere with out us, How do we cope?

With God's help we cope.. Natasha has shut herself in her favorite cabinet under the sink. She is going to "work" she says. She just happens to "work" at Denny's where her mom works. She "shops" at Wal Mart where her Nanny works. All people who she trust to keep her safe.

No matter  what we will do our best. God already has plans and knows the future. Sharon was "safe" walking up the stairs. My Nephew's were watching television in there living room. So supposedly they were "safe" 

The world is a dangerous. It has always been. I remember scaring my grandmother as I used the porch railing for gymnastics. I remember climbing on the roof and jumping off at 10. My son, by the way did the same thing. We do our best. God must do the rest We supply the faith and prayers. 

The sun is making a temporary appearance, peeking out from behind a cloud like it is playing hide and seek.

I see squirrels, which means Natasha will be running after them soon. Poor squirrels, no peace at all. She is coming out of the cabinet and heading for the back door. I hear her laughter as she sees the squirrels. She calls me, "Mom" the squirrels, the squirrels! and runs out the door. But wait. Do I just hear one child's laughter? No I think in the balmy Charleston day, with the sun going back behind a cloud, for a minute I heard more then one child's laughter. I think I heard the laughter of the many  children who are now truly safe. With our Father. And mixed in with that laughter is Sharon's. Watching out for her niece, letting me know she is safe., and yes mom Now I can run and play with the other kids. 

I love you Sharon, Please be happy. I will see you soon.